Last night

Up to what extent are you willing to sacrifice for your loved ones?

My dad who passed away 5 years ago was an OFW. My dad and I are not close with each other. From the day that I was born he only gets to stay at home for a month every year. My best memory of him was every Sunday, which is considered our family day. I used to get anything that I ask him to buy for me. From trolls, Barbie dolls, play-dohs and many more when I was younger to designer shoes and clothes during my teen years—he bought almost anything.

When I was a child all I cared about are those toys and dolls that he could give me when he gets home, all I cared about are those clothes that I could ask him to buy for me. Thinking about it now makes me feel so bad about myself, I was so insensitive. I never thought of the hard work that he’s done, all the days on the calendar that he used to tick one by one waiting earnestly for the day for him to spend time with us—his only family.

Last night, some colleagues and I had a small talk about working abroad. Colleague 1 had worked abroad for 2 years, Colleagues 2 and 3 is planning to go abroad to work for their family’s future. The conversation focused on only one thing: homesickness.

Colleague 1 didn’t ever planned to renew his 2-year contract then due to homesickness. According to him, he tried any kind of sports activity that he could do abroad just to not be struck with boredom. Though he decided to leave the country to earn money, there even came a point where he wasn’t able to save up his salary for his sports activity’s expenses (e.g. wet suit for scuba diving, etc.)—just to kill the boredom that he feels. According to him, he have a friend who after staying abroad for 3 months booked a flight home in an instant because he can no longer endure the loneliness and longing for his family.

Colleagues 2 & 3 are hesitant of leaving for they are afraid to leave their family behind. They are afraid that their children might not be well taken care of if they’re not the one taking care of them. They’re sad that they won’t be able to witness special occasions such as graduation, birthdays, first stage performance, etc. in their child’s life.

I’m very much open on how sorry I am for I wasn’t able to spend more quality time with my dad when he was still alive. But after last night’s conversation I felt so heavy, it’s as if my heart had been jack hammered a thousand times.

Homesickness indeed is a really serious opponent. I wonder how my dad handled it? he started working abroad even before my older brother was born. If we’re going to do the math he’d worked for almost 25 years. Whatever it is, I admire how he motivated himself to stay that long. I admired how he endured those sleepless nights. I admired how he took it whenever he reads our letters of happiness and achievement but then he’s not here to celebrate it with us.

I feel so bad about myself for I was never able to show how thankful I am of him and his hard work. If not for him we won’t be able to have what we have right now. Kung naging ibang tao lang sya baka hindi na nya ma-endure ang homesickness na nararanasan nya dun, uuwi na lang sya dito at sabay sabay na lang kaming magdi-dildil ng asin. Pero napaka swerte naming magkakakapatid dahil sya ang naging tatay namin. I gave him and my mom a lot of problems during my teen years. In spite of it all he still loved me and cared for me. I sometimes think that I didn’t deserve to be his daughter, but I guess he had no choice that’s how everything works, God has a purpose in everything.

As much as I want to make it up to him, hindi na pwede. I just hope that he was able to forgive the selfish and insensitive me back then. I know that he’s happy that I’m making it up to mom now, I’ve learned my lesson and I’ll try my very best not to make the same mistake again.

After last night, I’m more convinced that even though I am the brattiest child a parent could ever have I’m so damn lucky for having the most selfless and loving person in the whole world as my dad.

Mautak na bata nga siguro ako nuon, alam na alam kong ibibigay nya sakin kahit anong hingin ko. Bakit? Dahil para sa kanya nakakabawi sya sa pang-iiwan nya sa amin sa ganung paraan. Little did I know na kami ang dapat bumawi sa kanya, kami ang dapat magbigay sa kanya ng mga kailangan at gusto nya, kami ang dapat magsilbi sa kanya—Dahil sya ang nagpapakahirap magtrabaho at magpaalipin sa ibang bansa para mabigyan kami ng buhay na tinatamasa namin ngayon.