I feel loved

Just recently I’ve learned that you can’t give what you don’t have. And since I’ve been blessed and filled with so much love that means I’m able to give back the same amount to the whole world. I sort of like myself now I mean the way I look at things--positivity overload. Hahaha! I feel loved. I feel blessed. And I don’t hold on to grudges and bitterness.

Someone once asked me why I’m so brave to try yet another LDR when I know it didn’t worked out for me the last time. He does have a point there but all I remember is answering with: “I’m willing to settle with anything, as long as it’s with Gib.”

I’ve read from a friend’s blog that the best decisions that we have to make usually come during moments we least expect. It came out true for me. What did I do? I followed my gut feel. I’ve been in trouble a lot of times because of reasoned decision. But my gut feel or instinct didn’t disappoint—from the very first day that I made the decision up to today. Since then I know that I will never ever regret following my instinct. Did you know that instinct doesn’t just come from nowhere? It is what happens to information and experiences when it becomes wired to us. It is something that we know inside us that we just can’t put into words. It is our ploughed-in knowledge as to what other people used to say.

Why am I saying this? It’s because my gut feel lead me to the happiness that I’ve always yearned for—being Gib’s other half.

I have never been this happy in my life. I’ve always been a logical person, errr mind over matter. I believe the word “love” is just a result of the hyperactivity of the hypothalamus. But for the first time, I am this emotional. This time I’m not holding back. I just gave in and I'm glad I did.

He has really given this relationship his all -- investing time and energy to start it and giving 100% of himself to sustain it.

I'm really thankful that God prepared me first before bringing Gib my way. It might have turned out differently had we started this relationship nine years back, and if that happened, perhaps, up to now, I wouldn't have forgiven myself yet for losing such an amazingly perfect person.

Thank God, Gib chose to go after his "Seafarer" goal nine years ago after meeting his "The One". If he didn't wait that long he may not have been ready to deal with my quirks, as I, with his. People have been asking why our lives seem to be on fast forward -- we saw each other again some time in August and officially became a couple a few weeks after. The answer is simple -- he was prepared for me, just as I was prepared for him -- so, when our hands touched we knew life would not be complete if we'd let go.

He's my security blanket, my protector, my confidante, and my source of love and life. He doesn't seem like the type, but he gets sentimental, too, and when he does, I really listen. It might sound cliche to say that he speaks from the heart, but he really demonstrates that sincerity while he looks me in the eye. It's almost as if I'm hearing and seeing the message because I can hear him speak and I see the meaning of the words in his eyes.

There really is nothing more eloquent than actions. I know no one else but him who greatly sticks to the word commitment. So loving and thoughtful and is always dedicated to please me in the minutest of details. Somehow, I feel that I have something now that I didn't have before. Something precious that I worked hard to find. Something that I feel is hard-won. And I'm glad that I've found the right person to share it with. Before, home used to be a place. Now, home is a person.

I don’t believe in soulmates, but if one exists then I believe I found mine.

Whew! I can't remember myself having this much (and more) good things to say or blog about anyone.

my "me" time

I like thinking things that concerns me. I like evaluating people and feelings most especially of myself. I always enjoy my ride to and from the office when I’m alone ‘cause that’s the time when I get to think about stuff and evaluate myself and how I feel. That’s the time when I get to reflect on the instances that’s happening around me. That’s also the time when I get answers to my questions if I’m confused about something. That’s what I call my “me” time.

One of my greatest dreams is to travel somewhere that requires me to ride a plane or bus for hours alone. But I guess that’ll still be a dream to me, because I’m not that strong willed to do such a thing. I still wish though that someday I can do it just for once. I’m sure it will be a fulfilling achievement for me.

Ever since Gib left, “me” times became recurrent. It sort of helped me adjust with the set up that we have right now. It helped me to understand even more and to be grateful that we have each other.

Of course, random thoughts are constant as well as “me” times. Let me list down some of my realizations and the things that made me ponder recently:

Ready to have your own dose of cheese? hehehe :p

• For me one of the advantages of having a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) is you get to be more appreciative of even the littlest of things that concerns the both of you and your relationship. That even with just a single text everything will be okay again after weeks of not having a communication.
  
  
• After my last failed relationship (guy A) I never really imagined that I can still love someone this much. I mean I’ve become the most insensitive and inconsiderate person on earth because of my frustrations. I’ve come to realize that at that moment my feelings towards guy A are just suppressed because maybe somehow I felt that he is not the right person. That no matter how happy I get at that time I always had the feeling that it’s just superficial. There's something in me that's telling me that I can be happier and that I deserve way better that what I have then. The thing is, I just don’t know what, when, where or with whom all I know is that “that” something will come my way in time. I know it’s my fault for I didn’t take that doubt seriously before.
  
  
• And then there came Gib. From the moment that I laid my eyes on him on that fateful night of Aug 14, 2009 (8:30pm, Market! Market!), After 9 long years of not seeing each other, I knew right then and there that it will lead to something more interesting.
  
  
• The feeling of security is a very important factor in an LDR. I know Gib and I are just starting but you see the reason why I have so much faith for this relationship to work is because of what he’d shown me and had done during the times that he’s here. He never failed to let me know and feel how much he loves me and how much he wants our relationship to work. In short, he didn’t gave me any reason to doubt or worry about his feelings towards me. Even I was surprised with myself lately, I didn't know that I can be capable of giving this much trust in someone. That guy really did good great.
  
  
• I realized that I've become more considerate with Gib's shortcomings as well. You see he's a seafarer and maintaining constant communication is really a challenge. Though I'm not saying that it's his fault, it's just that I realized the true meaning of accepting someone regardless of the barrier that there is.
  
  
• It is with Gib that I felt the “this is it!” feeling—I know, so MJ-ish isn’t it? hahaha! But seriously, it’s true. It’s with him that I felt that I can’t be any happier.
  
  
• We are blessed to have a very supporting and understanding family—most especially moms.
  
  
• Cheesiness aside, we’re slowly losing quality friends here in the office. I was talking to my 2 colleagues just this morning and we can’t help but think about the others who left the company who became our friends during their stay. We used to be so happy back then.
  
  
• On a lighter note, our Christmas party is already on Dec 17 at Dusit Thani. I heard everyone should come in their formal attire. What to wear??? What to wear???
  
  
• P.S. WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SEAFARERS ARE NOT AT ALL TRUE, believe me. Well, for me it isn't. It just really depends on the person.
  

These are just some of the things that I remember thinking about as of the moment. I'm sure there'll be a lot of 'em coming in the near future.

Grief-findor

How do people grieve? When my dad died I know I cried buckets—from the ICU where I first saw him unconscious until his burial and some other instances after it as well. I remember trying to comfort myself by believing that if I think that it’s just like he’s out of the country for work (like he used to be) it wouldn’t hurt as much. It worked for a couple of years but later on I came to realize that I can never really escape the searing pain of loss.

For almost 5 years I almost thought that I’d already passed this phase, but I’m dead wrong. The feeling of hurt and guilt every time I think about him is still there and is still the same. I still find myself breaking down when pain strikes me in a jiffy most especially when my emotions are unguarded. Just like the other day when I was on my way to work, I saw this cute little girl being walked to the prep school in our village by his father. Then I remember that my dad used to do that when I was a kid, every time he gets the chance he was ecstatic to do it, he used to wait by the tree house near my school until we finish. Then that’s it, right then and there it hit me.

“one can resist tears and 'behave' very well
in the hardest hours of grief.
But when someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window,
or one notices that a flower in bud only yesterday
had suddenly blossomed,
or a letter slips from a drawer
... everything collapses.”
~Colette

He was never one of those cool dads but I know in some way he wished he was one. This may be too late but you know what? He is indeed cool in more ways than one.

I’ve read somewhere that resolving grief is a long process. Some took 10, 20 years to resolve it. They say that you’ll know that you’ve already resolved your grief when you go through life without intense pain and longing. It means that you can think of the years you had with that someone and smile. It means that you can think of him without hurting. I don’t know when I’ll be able to experience those for myself, but I’m certain that I’m no longer taking the shortcut anymore no matter how painful it can be.

I realized that maybe I can never move on, I may at least learn to live with it but I can never ever move on. You see, once you’ve lost someone special in your life permanently you’ll never run out of what if’s and what might have been’s—I never did. And I can never stop myself from wishing things that concerns being with him. Upon his then sudden departure, he took with him a part of me that no one can ever replace and that space where that part was taken will forever be empty.

My heart will never ever fail to remember.

Last night

Up to what extent are you willing to sacrifice for your loved ones?

My dad who passed away 5 years ago was an OFW. My dad and I are not close with each other. From the day that I was born he only gets to stay at home for a month every year. My best memory of him was every Sunday, which is considered our family day. I used to get anything that I ask him to buy for me. From trolls, Barbie dolls, play-dohs and many more when I was younger to designer shoes and clothes during my teen years—he bought almost anything.

When I was a child all I cared about are those toys and dolls that he could give me when he gets home, all I cared about are those clothes that I could ask him to buy for me. Thinking about it now makes me feel so bad about myself, I was so insensitive. I never thought of the hard work that he’s done, all the days on the calendar that he used to tick one by one waiting earnestly for the day for him to spend time with us—his only family.

Last night, some colleagues and I had a small talk about working abroad. Colleague 1 had worked abroad for 2 years, Colleagues 2 and 3 is planning to go abroad to work for their family’s future. The conversation focused on only one thing: homesickness.

Colleague 1 didn’t ever planned to renew his 2-year contract then due to homesickness. According to him, he tried any kind of sports activity that he could do abroad just to not be struck with boredom. Though he decided to leave the country to earn money, there even came a point where he wasn’t able to save up his salary for his sports activity’s expenses (e.g. wet suit for scuba diving, etc.)—just to kill the boredom that he feels. According to him, he have a friend who after staying abroad for 3 months booked a flight home in an instant because he can no longer endure the loneliness and longing for his family.

Colleagues 2 & 3 are hesitant of leaving for they are afraid to leave their family behind. They are afraid that their children might not be well taken care of if they’re not the one taking care of them. They’re sad that they won’t be able to witness special occasions such as graduation, birthdays, first stage performance, etc. in their child’s life.

I’m very much open on how sorry I am for I wasn’t able to spend more quality time with my dad when he was still alive. But after last night’s conversation I felt so heavy, it’s as if my heart had been jack hammered a thousand times.

Homesickness indeed is a really serious opponent. I wonder how my dad handled it? he started working abroad even before my older brother was born. If we’re going to do the math he’d worked for almost 25 years. Whatever it is, I admire how he motivated himself to stay that long. I admired how he endured those sleepless nights. I admired how he took it whenever he reads our letters of happiness and achievement but then he’s not here to celebrate it with us.

I feel so bad about myself for I was never able to show how thankful I am of him and his hard work. If not for him we won’t be able to have what we have right now. Kung naging ibang tao lang sya baka hindi na nya ma-endure ang homesickness na nararanasan nya dun, uuwi na lang sya dito at sabay sabay na lang kaming magdi-dildil ng asin. Pero napaka swerte naming magkakakapatid dahil sya ang naging tatay namin. I gave him and my mom a lot of problems during my teen years. In spite of it all he still loved me and cared for me. I sometimes think that I didn’t deserve to be his daughter, but I guess he had no choice that’s how everything works, God has a purpose in everything.

As much as I want to make it up to him, hindi na pwede. I just hope that he was able to forgive the selfish and insensitive me back then. I know that he’s happy that I’m making it up to mom now, I’ve learned my lesson and I’ll try my very best not to make the same mistake again.

After last night, I’m more convinced that even though I am the brattiest child a parent could ever have I’m so damn lucky for having the most selfless and loving person in the whole world as my dad.

Mautak na bata nga siguro ako nuon, alam na alam kong ibibigay nya sakin kahit anong hingin ko. Bakit? Dahil para sa kanya nakakabawi sya sa pang-iiwan nya sa amin sa ganung paraan. Little did I know na kami ang dapat bumawi sa kanya, kami ang dapat magbigay sa kanya ng mga kailangan at gusto nya, kami ang dapat magsilbi sa kanya—Dahil sya ang nagpapakahirap magtrabaho at magpaalipin sa ibang bansa para mabigyan kami ng buhay na tinatamasa namin ngayon.

Jeepers Creepers

Patok, Sabit, Sarao, “God knows Hudas not pay”, “Hila mo, Hinto ko”, “Barya lang po sa Umaga”, Ilan lang yan sa mga salitang naka pag papaalala sa atin ng pinaka popular na mode of transportation dito sa Pilipinas—Ang Jeep.

At kung mahilig kang sumakay nito o kung sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos ay sumasakay ka nito, alam mo kung ano ang tawag sayo? JEEPers Creepers. Salitang nabuo ng ilang kaibigan ko nuong kolehiyo. Ito ay ginamit na pang-aasar sa ibang kaibigan na nakaugalian nang sumakay ng Jeep papasok ng eskuwelahan upang makapagtipid. Read: Simula Rizal hanggang Maynila naka-jeep, tipong ganon. Hindi pa gawa ang LRT-2 nun, kaya G-Liner (1 ride) at FX (2 rides) lang ang pinaka common na sasakyan ng mga estudyanteng manggagaling sa Rizal papasok ng Maynila dati.

Hindi ako mahilig sumakay ng Jeep. Oo, maarte ako. Kung may ibang option din lang naman ako e di mas pipiliin ko nang mag-fx kaysa ang mag-jeep. Sino ba naman ang may gustong gawing pang finishing touches ang alikabok sa mukha mong pagka tagal tagal mong inayos? Ako ayoko, ikaw ba gusto mo?

Due to unavoidable circumstances, tulad ng paglipat namin ng opisina. May mga panahong kakailanganin ko talagang sumakay ng jeep. Maikling byahe lang naman at sa pag-uwi lang, kaya tanggap ko na rin kahit papano. In a way, JEEPers Creepers na rin ako, hehehe.

May napansin lang ako sa mga jeep ngayon, lalung-lalo na sa mga patok na jeep. You’re a major loser kung hindi mo alam kung ano yung “patok”. Yung mga jeep na kung baga sa kotse e naka-set up at may pagkalakas-lakas na sounds na parang wala ng bukas kung magpatugtog yung driver, ganon. Tip ko lang, dapat magdadala ka ng saktong pambayad sa jeep para hindi ka na mahirapan kunin ang sukli mo sa lakas ng pagpapatugtog ng mga driver na yon. Ewan ko lang ha? pero parang feeling ko technique din ng ibang driver yon para kunyari wala silang naririnig. Ang hirap kaya sumigaw simula sa dulo ng jeep para lang marinig ng driver na hinihingi mo yung sukli mo.

Bakit ako nagkakaganto?

Oo, hindi nasuklian yung bente na binayad ko nung sumakay ako ng jeep nung isang linggo. pffftt!

The other side of Baguio

Before, whenever I think about Baguio I'm reminded of this:



and this:



But now, whenever I think about Baguio I'm haunted by this:

A generous amount of money was stolen, 5 units of mobile phone and a newly bought watch. And before I forget, they/he/she/it also took everything we bought from the market. Kilos of pork, beef, fish and what have yous that we're scheduled to cook for our daily meals were not spared.

Fortunately none of us got hurt, provided that the culprit took the knives in the kitchen meaning one wrong move and we're done. Being fast asleep is still a blessing in disguise after all.

All these time I thought people are all good in Baguio, I'm proven otherwise.

Moral Lesson: Wag magtipid, spend all the money that you have. Just kidding.

office transfer update

Our office interior, most especially the showroom, is not done yet that's why I won't post pictures of it right now, maybe next time I will. Our work area is almost done but our boxes aren't opened yet for we are still waiting for the cabling to be finished. We've been here for 3 days now and our nose are used to the smell of cement and rugby all around the place "wow pare, heaven".

I'm right, transportation to and from work now is exhausting than ever. Whatever road I take, may it be via edsa ayala mrt (riding fort bus, the overpass steps are just too steep) or pricesmart fort, it always requires me to walk for like a thousand or more meters. E I always like walking kaya, hahahaha! NOT!. Arrrggghh!

Pero in fairness, our new office is way way better than before. It's much bigger, and the furnitures and fixtures are all brand new PC ko na lang ang hindi. Mc Donald's is just a block away and 711 is just across the street. But too bad there's no jolly jeep anywhere near us. We still have to wait for a month for our building's canteen to be opened, I heard they will have a jolly jeep style canteen on the 3rd floor. And also the building's elevator is way faster than the ones we have in our old office plus they have 6! and its fast! Hahaha! Enough of my elevator dilemma. All I wanted to say is I'll get used to this in time, give me a month or two and everything will just be plain and simple for me. I'm enjoying my view right now, and I bet our guys will enjoy our meeting room's view too. Hehehe.

view from my workplace


view from one of our meeting rooms, nice view isn't it?hehehe. Rumors say that a famous kapuso actor lives here. Clue: R.G.

SMILE!

Salamat kay lyzius, dahil kung hindi dahil sa pag-tag nya sakin wala akong maiisip na i-post dito.

Hindi ko alam kung pano ko uumpisahan to dahil likas naman talaga akong masayahing tao.

Uhmmm…

Ahhh…

O cge in no particular order na lang, kung ano na lang ang pumasok sa utak ko.

Ay potek, 10 lang pala kailangan kung anu ano pa iniisip ko hahaha. O cge i-shorlist ko na lang.

10 things that make me smile

1. Seeing the people around me happy. I like to be surrounded by jolly people simply because madali akong mahawa which I think is a good thing. But the bad thing is, madali rin akong mahawa ng sadness, lalo na when it concerns my family.

2. Pasalubongs. It’s a nice feeling to know that you’re being thought about. Kahit ano pa yan, mapa-key chain or isang pirasong candy ok lang sakin.

3. My birthday. As in pagkamulat na pagkamulat ng mata ko naka-smile na ko, can’t wait for what’s in store for me on my special day.

4. Christmas. I’ve always loved the Christmas season. -ber months pa lang excited na ko, though never pa ko nakakumpleto ang simbang gabi. I love the long vacations, the cold Christmas breeze, hearing Christmas carols being played by our neighbors. I love monito-monita and exchange gifts. I love making my Christmas wish list (kahit hindi natutupad). I love giving gifts to loved ones and seeing them giddy while opening it. At syempre pa makakalimutan ko ba naman ang Christmas bonus? Hehehe.

5. Morning greetings. Merong fx na almost everyday kong nasasakyan and manong driver never fails to greet each and everyone good morning.

6. Kulitan. Speaking of morning greetings, yung unahan namin ni Jason ng pag-greet ng good morning sa YM. Hahaha, makes my day kahit na lagi akong talo. Kulitan is definitely a good way to start the day.

And another thing, kulitan with my brother every night. Malakas pareho kiliti namin, kaya imagine-in mo na lang pag kaming 2 ang nagkilitian. Mabubulabog ang mga kapitbahay sa sigaw naming dalawa. Kulitan can also be a good way to end the day right? Masakit nga lang sa katawan. hehehe.

7. Weekend movie marathons on a lazy weekend or movie dates if it’s a good day to go out.

8. Bookstores. Okay lang sakin kahit iwan mo ko dun ng buong araw.

9. Forwarded text quotes. Sobrang rare na to nangyayari sakin ngayon, hehehe.

10. Oo na, taking pictures. Automatic na daw ang smile ko pag nakakakita ng camera. Hahaha!


And now I tag...

*drum roll please*

Axel

and

Ayz

Ayan tinirhan ko kayo ng i-ta-tag nyo ha?! lol

Nike Windrunner 2008

For more info visit this site

pass the cheer

Idea borrowed from Miss Yosi Girl

[title borrowed from the tagline of Starbucks Christmas drinks and planner promo way way back]

Before the year ends, I will send a card and a simple gift to each of the first five (5) people who comment here. This is supposed to be the catch: Each person must do the same on his/her blog. But since I'm in a perfectly good mood and is feeling generous, I'll not oblige you to do the same. It's up to you if you wan't to pass it or not, much better if you want to though. :D

And oh, before I forget:

1) You MUST put the link of your blog when you comment.

2) Posts are automatically cross posted in my multiply account, so to my multiply friends I'm sorry but you have to comment here.

So....

what are you waiting for? the comments link is just below this post, click click click!